At the end of last year I had a feeling; something about the impending 2015 was making me nervous.
In July of 2014 I graduated university with a First Class Honours degree. I sat at my graduation ceremony feeling immensely proud of what I had achieved, but also with a nagging feeling of anxiety. This anxiety soon turned into dread as July turned into August and August quickly transformed into December. I was stuck working in retail, and felt pretty dissatisfied with my lack of career. As 2015 loomed ever closer, I began to grow more negative about the forthcoming year. It panned out in front of me with so much uncertainty, little did I know the problems this uncertainty would bring.
It all started on New Years eve. After much convincing from my house mates, I agreed to go out to see in the New Year at our local pub. It was during my time at the pub I first fell ill and passed out – I had only drunk two drinks. I ended up being Ubered to A&E and spent my New Years day in St Georges A&E Resus department, as they tried to figure out why I had passed out (once at the pub and once at the hospital) and why my heart rate was sky high.
And so followed the year of illness and my much frustration with my health. After continuing investigations, tests, and many, many trips to the hospital I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (PoTS) which is a malfunction within the autonomic nervous system (another blog post, for another time). The one thing about PoTS is that when undiagnosed, and mismanaged, it can interfere with everyday life considerably. I had to take time off work, which had a knock on effect to my finances (something which every underpaid recent graduated will know, is a nightmare). I battled with my health and my ability to work. I wanted to work but I physically couldn’t. I found this incredibly frustrating and felt helpless.
I spent the first half of the year coming to terms with managing PoTS. Although I’m not ‘cured’ I have a much better handle on it, although I still have problems with my immune system (thanks to the medication) and other PoTS symptoms continue to prevail. Some people with PoTS can be bed-bound, so in that respect I’m lucky.
During the second half of the year I found out that our landlord wanted us (my housemates and myself) out of the house by October.
To put it simply; moving is a bitch. I hate it.
And I currently hate it even more.
My flatmate and I have put in offers on three houses. All of which have got to the signing the tenancy agreement, putting down the deposit stage. It’s during the stage that the landlord has to sign things go belly up. The landlord doesn’t sign. For various reasons I can’t go into, but rest assured, they have everything and more they could possibly need. There’s one estate agent that still has out deposit and has pretty much ceased communication.
The absolute frustration of nearly having a house to rent and live in and then not having one, is painful. I’m feeling unbelievably stressed and overwhelmed by situations that feel so out of my control.
I’ve tried my hardest this year to progress and take a step into my chosen career, but that is yet to happen. Everyone tells me it will, but after 18 months I’m losing hope.
I know things could be much worse, and I’m grateful for the things I do have: my family, friends and my (sort of) health. It’s just currently things seem bleak. And bleakness – darkness – is scary.
I’ve written this to vent, to explain and to rationalise. It’s more negative than I intended! Sorry!
To find out more about PoTS, check out the official PoTS website, here.